Last Will And Testament of Michael Dietrich
"Personal log, Day.. ..Day.. ..Fuck it man, I dunno what day of the year it is. I'm not even sure what year it is anymore. Been down here in this hole so long I can't remember the warmth of Charybdis on my face. It's just me now.. The squiddies got to Theodore a few days back. Had to use my last few bullets to keep him from opening the doors. Gods damn it, Ted. Why did you have to be such a tough bastard? I mean, yeah, you were a dwarf, but fuck man, I wanted one for myself. You selfish son of a bitch. ..No! No, can't ramble, lowers my guard.. Uhm.. Right. I wanted this to be my last will and testament, but I know it's never gonna get back to Charlene. I'm sorry baby, I know I promised I'd come home, but I gotta break that promise. I guess this is mostly just for my own peace of mind, before the squiddies get into my grey matter. Or before their shoggoths or whatever the fuck those things are break down the door. If anyone ever hears this, that's the pounding sound and the growling in the background. They're hungry. They're pissed. They should have been able to get through our barricades long ago, or psychically dominate me. But I tricked'em. Doors are reinforced plasteel, and I learned a few tricks from some elves on how to resist psychic domination. ...I could try to fight them. I can throw a pretty mean punch. But these things don't feel pain. They don't even realize when you kill them, like they're hopped up on a truckload of PCP." "In hindsight, I suppose we should have made a run for the border. But we couldn't. We managed to get out of our cell, grab a couple half-empty guns and a micro-nanite factory, but we didn't know where the fuck to go. Well, we knew where the /border/ would be, but that was a five hundred kilometer run across open ground with no /real/ cover, and the streets were heavily patrolled by these big-ass worm monsters and tentacled critters, looked like shit out of a bad porn comic- and I'm a fucking gnome, I don't exactly hop it too fast. Then Four-Eyes Jimmy says, hey, they haven't found us yet, we can hide from'em down below, in old Gromit's supply cellar! We just wait for'em to finish gorging themselves, and then make a run for it while everyone's fat, happy, and takin' a siesta. Great plan, actually, but they've been eating nonstop for /two goddamn weeks/. Ran out of food and water three days ago. Then some bored mongrel follows our scent to our door, ended up using everything the micro-nanite factory could produce to make a barricade. One'a the critters musta gone back for its master, cause we could hear the squiddie son of a bitch yelling at his pets, and then they started pounding on the doors. Not sure if it's one or more, but one by one the guys started gettin' their minds taken over by the squiddies. Started with Yarik, started runnin' around like a raped ape then tried to kill us. Then Lief, he tried to kill us all in our sleep. Wasted half our fucking ammo on him alone. Nerrig started dismantling the barricade, but he fucked up and dropped his crowbar, and then we beat him to death with it. A few of the guys said fuck it, offed themselves before the squiddies could get'em. Kept going till it was just me, Frank, and Theodore- and Frank emptied his skull out a few days back all over the walls." The sound of a lighter being flicked, and puffing sounds. "..I didn't lie when I said I quit smoking, Charlene. It's just.. There's no way out of here, and Frank had some real quality Garuman cigars. I always wanted to try one of those, they're illegal 'cause they contain a few chemicals that are also used in psychotropic drugs, but they don't have the other compounds that make you start seein' pink elephants an' shit. I swear, Fed laws are fuckin' stupid somedays. Like that one blue law, where you can't go fishing for trout off the back of a Giraffe Kemono. What the fuck is all that about? Did I miss the news one day or sumpthin'? Rambling again. Focus, Mikey. ..Right. Yeah. So.. ...There's no way out of here.. Well, no way out that lets me see the sunlight again.. There's a rope hanging from the ceiling, and I've got a spectro-plasmic grenade I nabbed off a dead cop. Four-Eyes Jimmy's danglin' from it- the rope that is. He was a carrier for that new disease that's been goin' around, the one that makes you get up when you're dead. But Jimmy was good with knots, too good in fact. He can't get down from his own fuckin' noose. S'funny as hell, really. Fucker just dangles there, glaring at me, big shit-eating grin on his face from where his cheeks rotted off." "It's strange though. I've seen those rottin' fucks before, they always look.. Pissed off. Hungry. Rabid. Jimmy, on the other hand, don't. He just looks.. Tired, and sad. I mean when the rope spins a little so that he can look me in the eyes, he starts gettin' pissed, but then he remembers- I think he remembers at least- he's stuck up there, so he just hangs around and waits. I think he knows what's coming. You still got enough brainpower up there to know what's happenin', Jimmy?... Man I never thought I'd miss hearin' that high pitched blender you called a voice.. They're battering at the door. It's giving me a fucking migraine. Fuckin' squiddies. No decency. Can't just blow open the door with a satchel charge or somethin', naw they're too busy havin' a grand ol' feast, and us poor bastards are lunch for the mutts. ..They'll be through that door in a few minutes.. I'm sitting in the corner of our little prison now. The door'll come down any second.. I've got a surprise for'em though. I ain't no one's goddamn lunch.. ..And neither are you Jimmy. You hear that? We're goin' out big.. Real big.. I overclocked the grenade's internal processors, adjusted some of the system settings, put it on an overload setting most people don't even know exists. Eh heh heh.. ...I love you, Charlene.. I hope you got to Terria safely.. You're the best goddamn thing that ever happened to me. I just wish I'd been a better husband. ..I'll tell your gramma hi if I make it to Heaven, and your mom hi if I hit the Hells. ..Goodbye." "Alright, you filthy fuckin' freaks'a nature..! C'mon! Here I am! Hurry the fuck up! Fresh meat! Yah can smell it, can'tcha?! CAN'T YAH SMELL THAT JUICY PINT-SIZED ASS?! YEAH, YOU KNOW YOU WANT A PIECE'A THAT! C'MON, C'MON! What's taking you so long?! You gettin' tired or something?! YOU WANT ME?! TAKE ME! FUCKING TAKE M-" static. Log ends. 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